SPILL.

Share your story about mental health, stigma, shattering labels, and/or your road to emotional and mental liberation.

Your stories will IGNITE the Journal To Save Your Life Mental Health Revolution.

Journal To Save Your Life was built on the insights and heart opening transformations that founder Holly Claire Werstein's (her old pseudonym: Jasper Faolan) first book, a raw hummingbird, afforded her.

 

Healing begins by telling your story.

 

Tell us your truth. We will feature particularly inspirational stories with our community through the many social mediums at our fingertips.

Mental Health is a Human Right,

Holly Claire & her Journal To Save Your Life Team <3

 

 

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Art and Aspergers

Living with Asperger's is not an easy feat. It never is. imagine yourself in a room full of people. All of those people are laughing and mingling. Meanwhile, you aren’t. You’re sitting there in the corner all alone, watching everyone make nice with each other. Nobody doesn’t even acknowledge that you’re there. You just sit there, crushed from the inside. You have trouble expressing yourself because you don’t know how to. Your fear of being rejected eats you up. Your fear or feeling inadequate to others eats you up. As you’re living with this disorder, those whom you’re around can’t understand your pain. You’re constantly feeling glum and angry. You feel as if this condition drags you into an abyss, an abyss that leads you to a point of no return. I have this feeling. Growing up, I could never fit in with others. As a kid, I couldn’t look an adult in the eye. I never had the capacity to. There was just something about looking at another person that made me feel very uncomfortable. In social situations, my heart would pound very fast. I would tend to get nervous. I would always be the one that got left out because I couldn’t relate to the other children. Being bullied didn’t help curb my condition, it only worsened it. Every day, I would walk around and get laughed at. I would be humiliated every day. I would be made fun of because of the way I talked, walked, and looked. Imagine trying to answer a question in class and the kids would mock you. Every word you would say, they’d make this expression, trying to take the words from out of your mouth. As I was around my family, they couldn’t relate to my condition either. I constantly sent them cries for help and they just rejected me. Nobody listened. This only made me feel even more depressed. The bullying in school got so bad that I nearly tried to kill myself at the age of eleven. I was going to leap from out of my bedroom window, but my mom stopped me in the process. I would use writing as my means to communicate. I loved to write. Whenever I was in class, I would be the first person to get up and share what I’ve written with the class. I impressed my teachers with my impeccable writing abilities. My creativity was amplified. There was nothing limiting it. But, that didn’t mean my issues with my low self-esteem and my inability to become proactive in social situations waned. The kids would call me all sorts of demeaning names, such as retarded, stupid, and many more. I lost my father when I was just a year old, and his loss alone has had a grave impact on how I grew up. As a black man, growing up without a father—that’s not easy. My father was a very outgoing guy. Everyone loved him. You would never be able to tell if he was sad. He was so resilient. Everyone tells me I look like him so much, but I’m his complete opposite. I’m not as outgoing as he was. I’m reclusive and shy. I don’t open up too much. These issues with bullying and my bout with Asperger’s did not cease. At the age of fourteen, I was booked into a mental hospital. They had me on medications for a while. I ceased taking them in 2013. None of that helped. Once I got to high school, I began to give up hope. I felt like there was no haven for a guy like me. I carried all this baggage. I bared all these wounds. Nobody could understand what I had to go through. But, I didn’t stop writing. I let my talent weather the storm. I let the arts influence me. Writing was my only escape. It was the only place I could go and not be judged or harassed. Little did I know—this escape pushed me to write my first book at the age of fifteen. On October 26th 2014, I published The Ballad of Sidney Hill. That book marked my coming of age and how much I’ve matured. That was living proof that I wasn’t going to let a mental disorder define me. They told me that I wouldn’t be able to function once I got to high school. All these specialists who remained doubtful of my growth, because of my condition—I proved them wrong. Fast forward to now, I have written forty books. I am now attending Berkeley College in Newark, New Jersey. I have a message for you all. Never let your circumstances define who you are. You can be anything!

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Built to spill.

I'm transgender, whatever that means. I'm just a spirit trapped in a body, in a life that I don't want but have to make right. It was like 8 or 9 years ago when I decided to transition from female to male. I just wanted to be who I really am. I didn't think it through. I was on testosterone for a few years, then my dad died abruptly on Christmas night and I stopped doing everything. I also stopped going to therapy. I'm 29, living in a hotel because my mom and I were kicked out of our old place. I had an episode and I was diagnosed schizophrenic but I was denied social security. I have no source of income, and no transportation. I was too unstable, and all those years went down the drain. I feel like I was 21 yesterday, when my dad died. It feels like it didn't happen. I lost myself completely. I'm just spilling what comes out in no particular order right now. I need release. I went insane for years. I lost track of who I was, and I refused this identity. I hate identity, I hate biology, and I hate life. To me, it's an insult. I got caught up in this matrix programming, and I thought I could manipulate the media with my mind. Or the media was manipulating me. There was definitely some sort of mind control going on. Nowadays I let my spirit repossess my body. I think too much about shit that doesn't matter, like whether I'm being perceived male or female. I care less these days, but I notice more and feel like everyone is constantly talking about gender and for some reason androgyny is such a big deal. I don't get what the big deal is. I feel more androgynous lately. People tend to think I'm a 16 year old boy, or I don't know what they think. I just wish I was. I want a new chance at life. This has been eating at me every moment. I refused to live as a female, but I didn't do enough to change it on time. I just shut everything out and didn't deal with it. I lived in an alternate world. I had my heart broken twice. I became addicted to porn and self destructive behaviours. I got so lonely, I tried to embrace myself as a female again just so I could have somebody. I figured I could at least use this body for my own pleasure. But it was really more torturous, and it never left me alone. Being trapped in this body. Yet I feel I'm not, that my spirit roams free. I've been at war against my biology. My thoughts are so scattered, I don't even trust them. I'm so paranoid, I think everything is about me. It all goes onto this insane network. I take everything out of context. It's hard to cope. I had so much creative potentual. I wanted to start this creative community. I tended to magnetize others online that were aligned similarly. But then everything became thus matrix program, and I couldn't trust anyone. I thought they were watching me from another dimension. One of them told me he was. And I thought I was really these music artists but I was in another dimension, and everything synced up. The music with my life and every comment, every conversation. It all became a part of this superconscious network. But I guess I was "delusional". I had anger issues. People would use shit against me and I'm trying to erase these memories so I can move on, but they come back. I traumatized myself through the shit I saw online, but I refuse to even acknowledge it. I don't want to feel like a victim. I need to clear out my past, but how do I start over? My mom's getting a new home. It should go through soon. I'll live there, and I'll need to find a job and learn how to drive. I don't even trust this website, I'm getting paranoid spilling this information and I don't get why it asked my address at sign up but I didn't give accurate information. Are aliens monitoring this timeline? This isn't an act. I know something's going on, but I'm sitting here staring at myself through a void. I'm looking for clarity, or not even clarity. A foggy mirror would suffice. I see myself interdimensionally as so much more, and I'm in tune with that. But I'm stuck here, and I'm trying not tonly get sucked into this trap of life but I have to fix this somehow. I just hope I'll be able make enough to make it, with no job experience I hope it won't be that hard to get. I've been so afraid of everyone's judgment, but I feel like 10 years just didn't even happen. Like, I was living in this vacuum. It was such a trap. I wasn't living in this reality. I was too confused to live, and I have such deep trauma now but no one to talk to about it and no compensation for the severe damage. I still feel that I'm not explaining this right, and I think of possible reactions with the way people are and I just hate people. But I like the ones that aren't judgmental. The human part of me gets so scared, while a part of me is totally detached and I'm trying to be there for myself. I just need to be present, and take this forward. This is all in the past. The fact is, I'm here now. I don't know where I was 10 or 5 years ago. But right now I'm in this body. The body is female, but the spirit and mind surpass it. I just feel trapped. Sometimes I don't even care. It's just a form. Sometimes I regret beginning to transition at all. Or not finishing it, because I feel stuck in between and day to day it varies where I fall on the spectrum. I'm always paranoid I think everyone is talking about it, like there's nothing better to talk about. Am I a boy or a girl? Isn't bring a person enough? Why do we segregate? I think about this every day, and no one else cares. Everyone else is normal, whatever that means. That's what if feels like anyway. I'm just worried that it's too late for me in life. I never cared much for this life. It's like I discarded it. But there's no point in thinking like that. It's more like, I just have to do what I have to in order to survive. And survival is such a distraction to where my higher mind is. I was just abducted by aliens. In the dream world, I'm everywhere operating the mechanics of this reality. Over the top? I don't even care. I just don't belong here at all, yet I have to be here and I have to find a way to make it and be okay. I'm sick of thinking about gender, but it's easy everywhere. People look at that before anything else. And when I look around I feel so much bigger than the guys or the girls like I'm not a person, I'm an idea, I'm this consciousness expansion that's just been boxed in but it's bursting at the seams. Yet I've been treated inhumanely, and I feel like I don't get to be a person. Yet I have to be a person and I have to deal with this individualized separated consciousness, where it's been and where it's going. God, please let me be okay. Been saying this every day. I want to be okay. I need to be okay. Like it isn't a choice just let me be. I might just get a second chance to start over. 29 is the new 19, I tell myself. I really don't feel 29. It's just annoying. Wouldn't it be cool if my story was inspiring? Maybe one day it will be. I'm trying to teach myself not to care about other peoples' perceptions or points of views. I mean, I felt at the mercy of them. I know who I am, I think. I mean it's always fluctuating, but when I feel my spirit I know. Sometimes worrying about life seems small scale compared to the mysteries of the Universe. There's just so much more I want to experience to the point where I think about leaving this life early but I feel like something is keeping me here. I don't know if I have a "purpose". I just want to create, yet been unmotivated because everything I started was cut off. I don't know what to do. I'll have to work somewhere crappy, and probably never make enough to get any operations so I'll never be happy. Or I have to learn to be regardless, because the body isn't what makes it I'd just rather be out of body. But I'll never have time for myself, or I'll have to integrate it and somehow make every moment paradise. It's possible. Maybe some opportunity will pop up. I guess I never know. Just feel like I can't get in the door anywhere. What do I even want to do? Vs. What do I Need to do? I'm spilling like this is my diary, but that's what you said right? Share it all. For some reason, I'm hesitant to post this. But I think I will.

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Why am I Here?

This question has come to me many times in my life, and for many different occasions. For instance, I ask this question now as I type this "story" of mine for all to take in. "Should I even be here?...Do I belong here? and if not, where do I belong?" I came across this site in the midst of searching for an answer, a "quick-fix". I was hoping to stumble upon something that could help me take action to "save my own life," as opposed to the latter. I'm not going to tell you about the many things that have occurred in my life that may or may not have contributed to the way I have been feeling this year; this feeling that has visited me since the time I was 13. 13 was when I began to self-harm and seriously consider not being 'here' anymore. Today, I wrestled with the feeling of returning to those habits...in hopes that it would help me feel better and just release what has been building up. The thing is, I knew it wouldn't. It would only drag me further down into a hole that I'm not sure I want to ever go down. So that brings me to now. I'm here, choosing to "save my own life," because Lord knows, no one else will do it for me. Besides, writing has always been a pain-reliever and a friend. I'm hoping this helps not only me, but those of you reading this and thinking, "I know exactly how you fucking feel."

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I am mj

I never really have a break from the noise and the chaos almost two years ago a lifetime of abuse and being bullied came to a head when my mother murdered my oldest child and then took her own life I cannot seem to make any sense of it I think I have gone completely crazy seeing signs from the universe and everything I had kept being told that I was "bat sh#*" crazy but it wasn't until the look of sheer horror on an ex boyfriend's face as i explained to him what I was seeing and hearing it was then that I knew I must never ever speak of any of it having already been thrown away by my family I felt outcast enough and didn't wAnt to be alone in the world I was separated from an abusive husband and after the murder decided enough was enough no one gets to abuse me further kind of sad that it took that for me to make that decision but you know what I told people was truth any bad thing they have to say to me well my words to my self were way more harsh but its not as though i didnt deserve it I am responsible for the murder of a young special needs girl and I don't know if I Will ever atone for tbat but but in the last four months with my spiral b family I have made steps forward and for m me he acceptance love and family is what has made all the difference well that and me finally being able to trust completely and blindly it was liberating like walking out of jail after a month scary yet beautiful my personality and crazy still seems to scare people and I still get funny looks however I believe in myself even if just aa tiny bit and for today that's enough

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I don't know what I am.

I just know I feel what I feel and sometimes it feels like there is a TV on high volume with nothing but static inside my head. And sometimes I feel completely at one with world.

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