Built to spill.

I'm transgender, whatever that means. I'm just a spirit trapped in a body, in a life that I don't want but have to make right. It was like 8 or 9 years ago when I decided to transition from female to male. I just wanted to be who I really am. I didn't think it through. I was on testosterone for a few years, then my dad died abruptly on Christmas night and I stopped doing everything. I also stopped going to therapy. I'm 29, living in a hotel because my mom and I were kicked out of our old place. I had an episode and I was diagnosed schizophrenic but I was denied social security. I have no source of income, and no transportation. I was too unstable, and all those years went down the drain. I feel like I was 21 yesterday, when my dad died. It feels like it didn't happen. I lost myself completely. I'm just spilling what comes out in no particular order right now. I need release. I went insane for years. I lost track of who I was, and I refused this identity. I hate identity, I hate biology, and I hate life. To me, it's an insult. I got caught up in this matrix programming, and I thought I could manipulate the media with my mind. Or the media was manipulating me. There was definitely some sort of mind control going on. Nowadays I let my spirit repossess my body. I think too much about shit that doesn't matter, like whether I'm being perceived male or female. I care less these days, but I notice more and feel like everyone is constantly talking about gender and for some reason androgyny is such a big deal. I don't get what the big deal is. I feel more androgynous lately. People tend to think I'm a 16 year old boy, or I don't know what they think. I just wish I was. I want a new chance at life. This has been eating at me every moment. I refused to live as a female, but I didn't do enough to change it on time. I just shut everything out and didn't deal with it. I lived in an alternate world. I had my heart broken twice. I became addicted to porn and self destructive behaviours. I got so lonely, I tried to embrace myself as a female again just so I could have somebody. I figured I could at least use this body for my own pleasure. But it was really more torturous, and it never left me alone. Being trapped in this body. Yet I feel I'm not, that my spirit roams free. I've been at war against my biology. My thoughts are so scattered, I don't even trust them. I'm so paranoid, I think everything is about me. It all goes onto this insane network. I take everything out of context. It's hard to cope. I had so much creative potentual. I wanted to start this creative community. I tended to magnetize others online that were aligned similarly. But then everything became thus matrix program, and I couldn't trust anyone. I thought they were watching me from another dimension. One of them told me he was. And I thought I was really these music artists but I was in another dimension, and everything synced up. The music with my life and every comment, every conversation. It all became a part of this superconscious network. But I guess I was "delusional". I had anger issues. People would use shit against me and I'm trying to erase these memories so I can move on, but they come back. I traumatized myself through the shit I saw online, but I refuse to even acknowledge it. I don't want to feel like a victim. I need to clear out my past, but how do I start over? My mom's getting a new home. It should go through soon. I'll live there, and I'll need to find a job and learn how to drive. I don't even trust this website, I'm getting paranoid spilling this information and I don't get why it asked my address at sign up but I didn't give accurate information. Are aliens monitoring this timeline? This isn't an act. I know something's going on, but I'm sitting here staring at myself through a void. I'm looking for clarity, or not even clarity. A foggy mirror would suffice. I see myself interdimensionally as so much more, and I'm in tune with that. But I'm stuck here, and I'm trying not tonly get sucked into this trap of life but I have to fix this somehow. I just hope I'll be able make enough to make it, with no job experience I hope it won't be that hard to get. I've been so afraid of everyone's judgment, but I feel like 10 years just didn't even happen. Like, I was living in this vacuum. It was such a trap. I wasn't living in this reality. I was too confused to live, and I have such deep trauma now but no one to talk to about it and no compensation for the severe damage. I still feel that I'm not explaining this right, and I think of possible reactions with the way people are and I just hate people. But I like the ones that aren't judgmental. The human part of me gets so scared, while a part of me is totally detached and I'm trying to be there for myself. I just need to be present, and take this forward. This is all in the past. The fact is, I'm here now. I don't know where I was 10 or 5 years ago. But right now I'm in this body. The body is female, but the spirit and mind surpass it. I just feel trapped. Sometimes I don't even care. It's just a form. Sometimes I regret beginning to transition at all. Or not finishing it, because I feel stuck in between and day to day it varies where I fall on the spectrum. I'm always paranoid I think everyone is talking about it, like there's nothing better to talk about. Am I a boy or a girl? Isn't bring a person enough? Why do we segregate? I think about this every day, and no one else cares. Everyone else is normal, whatever that means. That's what if feels like anyway. I'm just worried that it's too late for me in life. I never cared much for this life. It's like I discarded it. But there's no point in thinking like that. It's more like, I just have to do what I have to in order to survive. And survival is such a distraction to where my higher mind is. I was just abducted by aliens. In the dream world, I'm everywhere operating the mechanics of this reality. Over the top? I don't even care. I just don't belong here at all, yet I have to be here and I have to find a way to make it and be okay. I'm sick of thinking about gender, but it's easy everywhere. People look at that before anything else. And when I look around I feel so much bigger than the guys or the girls like I'm not a person, I'm an idea, I'm this consciousness expansion that's just been boxed in but it's bursting at the seams. Yet I've been treated inhumanely, and I feel like I don't get to be a person. Yet I have to be a person and I have to deal with this individualized separated consciousness, where it's been and where it's going. God, please let me be okay. Been saying this every day. I want to be okay. I need to be okay. Like it isn't a choice just let me be. I might just get a second chance to start over. 29 is the new 19, I tell myself. I really don't feel 29. It's just annoying. Wouldn't it be cool if my story was inspiring? Maybe one day it will be. I'm trying to teach myself not to care about other peoples' perceptions or points of views. I mean, I felt at the mercy of them. I know who I am, I think. I mean it's always fluctuating, but when I feel my spirit I know. Sometimes worrying about life seems small scale compared to the mysteries of the Universe. There's just so much more I want to experience to the point where I think about leaving this life early but I feel like something is keeping me here. I don't know if I have a "purpose". I just want to create, yet been unmotivated because everything I started was cut off. I don't know what to do. I'll have to work somewhere crappy, and probably never make enough to get any operations so I'll never be happy. Or I have to learn to be regardless, because the body isn't what makes it I'd just rather be out of body. But I'll never have time for myself, or I'll have to integrate it and somehow make every moment paradise. It's possible. Maybe some opportunity will pop up. I guess I never know. Just feel like I can't get in the door anywhere. What do I even want to do? Vs. What do I Need to do? I'm spilling like this is my diary, but that's what you said right? Share it all. For some reason, I'm hesitant to post this. But I think I will.


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