Alone

At 9 I was molested by my sister's husband, of course my very old school mom hid it from my dad so he wouldnt go to jail and we pretended it didnt happen so I had to live with seeing him alot. As I got older of course I just slept with anyone who gave me attention. I come from a huge family always wanted to be a stay at home mom of a bunch of kids. Met a 22 year old cop at 15, we messed around and then around 17 I quit my birth control and got pregnant not sure why he was ok with it I'm positve he didn't really want me like that. I was really sheltered to the world of drugs and stuff not sex though, it;s just a small ass town, we had sex cause we were bored. Anyway, he ended up abusive. Kicked me in the stomach when I was 6 months pregnant, got mad and actually hit me with the police car, neighbor saw it and said she was gonna tell begged her not to though. After my son he forced me to have sex 4 weeks later, it was a natural birth I was tore up down there. Couple weeks later I was pregnant again. He told me to abort it, so I left. I would never ever do that. Then I started hearing about all the cheating and that he was a heavy drug user. Didnt even know. Heard he even raped a girl. He signed his rights away to the kids a year after the split and divorce was final. Came back and raped me a few times. Cops never believed me cause it was there buddy. About 10 years later he was so high cops went after him he came out of the house after them with a knife he was shot and killed. Regardless this time I met a plumber hard worker seemed amazing he took on my two kids as his just a couple months in we ended up having four more kids. He worked hard but we didn't have money for bills or anything my mom always had to help he told me these lies im just so stupid and gullible i fell for them all. I didn't have friends wasnt allowed to, so never really told people things plus its embarassing when youre young. We fought each other alot i wasnt gonna be touched again and not fight back so it happened alot. Went 7 years with no kids then bam we had 3 birth control was no match for me the last two were twins. Turns out all the money went to drugs like crank and crack, Once again I was just stupid. He wouldnt let me work even part time and I wouldnt let my kids stay with no one anyway not after what happened to me. He apparently cheated on me alot too. He went to prison for 5 years for selling weed and kidnapping some woman, tied her up to steal her stash. told me that day he was going to do some tree work on the side,when I was 2 weeks due for my twins. The cops even questioned if i was in on it almost 9 months pregnant with twins. Couldnt even stand cause I had been so sick the entire pregnancy only weighed 145 pounds. Moved in with mom, depressed with 6 kids, 3 babies, 3 teenagers. I let my weight go My teeth were going bad where the twins took so much from me. Just didnt care. I took care of them but never me. Still no friends no one, I didnt talk to my mom about things cause she always told me to forget about it and take him back. he got out and moved in with his mom we were together 2 more years like that but he was never there the entirety of our 19 year relationship I raised my kids myself with no help from no one. not even a babysitter. Im not sure how I made it that long without completely breaking, then we broke up. I got my ged and cna license within 2 months and started working the kids were old enough to babysit one was already in the marines, proud of him and my older two were working on them selves so i did nightshift everyone would be asleep and no worries. After 4 years I had great friends for the first time and i loved work and didnt need a man found out my ex gave me an std that was causing cancerous cells in my uterus. I told god if he would let me see all my kids grow up I would never take another man, I didnt need happiness I just wanna be sure I put good into the world out of the hell I fought my entire life. Uterus out good to go. Then some issues with covid at work where Im stuck with 50 covid patienets by myself 2 of my best friends refuse to help and tell me to grow a pair I could handle it. I lost 2 people that night, so I walked out and lost every friend I made. I finished my shift though. Now I need knee and back surgery so cant work again, I take care of my kids and my 80 year old mother. Their dad sees them once a month or two for a night. He has a whole new family nice housse cars and land. While we have a roof that leaks and the utility room floor is weak. He gives me 100 weekly cause thats all he has to do. The lonliness hurts the worst. I know that I'm at fault I have a high IQ I learn fast I can study and pass anything right away but I have never made a good life decision ever. I can't understand it. My kids are beautiful respectful and will not be drains on society that is what I have done for this world. Other than that I dont understand what happiness is I ve never had it, Im not sure Ive really had love besides my kids. Im just so lonely it eats me alive. I have no one to tell. theres still a million other things I havent said. Like almost being shot in the head, taking a bunch of pills, jumping out of a moving car. Theres so much theres no one to listen. I know theres no happiness for me in this life but I live everyday hoping that because I raised great kids that I can have real happiness in my next life


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